Battle Weary
This blogpost has the potential to get far more personal than I normally would. I typically post about things happening around the school, our community, or Haiti in general. However, I feel the need to talk a little about what has been going on for me personally this fall, if for nothing more than my own processing.
It is no secret that spiritual warfare exists on the mission field. The constant challenges and unexpected ways that the enemy works can become exhausting if not outright overpowering at times. Before joining the mission field I hadn't known, or hadn't recognized, this spiritual battle so strongly in my life; I say strongly because that is how it is perceived here, as some days I feel my soul is a ship wrecked at sea being consistently tossed between light and dark, hope and despair. It isn't the most comfortable of things. Some days more than others I feel this tension, the power I lend to the enemy when my guard is down, and for the first time in my life I can understand and resonate with the phrase "battle weary."
Within my first month back in Haiti I found myself unexpectedly living alone. I'm not one to consider myself an introvert, and the idea of being without people in close quarters, in a place that already has a way of intensifying loneliness, was absolutely terrifying for me. Not to mention that it is Haiti and, though not as risky as the media creates it to be, there is still a present risk, and living alone wasn't something I was excited about. Before long I realized that in general, this would be a season of isolation. Not by my own doing, perhaps by God's, but regardless it was shaping up to be a time of relative solitude.
Shortly after this I began feeling the weight of depression. Something most people struggle with, that I've faced in the states, now intensified as most things are when they are faced here. Around the same time Hurricane Matthew made it's way for us, threatening massive destruction for the place and people I love. October was an emotional battle. Adjusting to being alone, fighting a mental battle, and riding the emotional roller coaster brought on by Matthew. Praise God, October ended with Gonaives safe and sound, and I crawled my way out of that trial.
It wasn't long before November showed up with a time of physical challenges. With high fevers and overwhelming exhaustion I was out of school off and on for nearly a month, presumably thanks to mono. Though sickness is never fun or easy, I was forced to face my living situation head on, and I think I came out of that time better accustomed to living alone.
And now it is December, the most wonderful time of the year. I'm healthy, mentally and physically. I am not only accustomed to living alone, I'm actually growing to love it. Having my own space and being able to spend quiet time with God has become a sacred, treasured thing to me. I have learned that being alone can actually be pretty wonderful when seen in the right perspective. And perhaps most importantly, I have learned that I can survive here independently. This doesn't sound like much but it is truly invaluable, and reassuring knowledge as I settle in here for the time to come.
Battle weary. From fighting for myself, for what I know to be good, for the people and place I love. It can be exhausting. But it can also be rewarding beyond words, because growth does not come without trial and faith does not strengthen without being tested. I am stronger after this fall. My ability to trust in my God to guide, protect, and grow me is greater than ever before. I know with certainty that it won't be long before I see the fruits that will come from this season of growth, this time when I was tested, challenged, and forced out of my comfort zone. That is when the greatest things occur after all, when we are least comfortable. And I count myself blessed even among the trials to be standing firm in this place, fighting for the Kingdom with some incredible warriors by my side, welcoming what ever is coming next.
It is no secret that spiritual warfare exists on the mission field. The constant challenges and unexpected ways that the enemy works can become exhausting if not outright overpowering at times. Before joining the mission field I hadn't known, or hadn't recognized, this spiritual battle so strongly in my life; I say strongly because that is how it is perceived here, as some days I feel my soul is a ship wrecked at sea being consistently tossed between light and dark, hope and despair. It isn't the most comfortable of things. Some days more than others I feel this tension, the power I lend to the enemy when my guard is down, and for the first time in my life I can understand and resonate with the phrase "battle weary."
Within my first month back in Haiti I found myself unexpectedly living alone. I'm not one to consider myself an introvert, and the idea of being without people in close quarters, in a place that already has a way of intensifying loneliness, was absolutely terrifying for me. Not to mention that it is Haiti and, though not as risky as the media creates it to be, there is still a present risk, and living alone wasn't something I was excited about. Before long I realized that in general, this would be a season of isolation. Not by my own doing, perhaps by God's, but regardless it was shaping up to be a time of relative solitude.
Shortly after this I began feeling the weight of depression. Something most people struggle with, that I've faced in the states, now intensified as most things are when they are faced here. Around the same time Hurricane Matthew made it's way for us, threatening massive destruction for the place and people I love. October was an emotional battle. Adjusting to being alone, fighting a mental battle, and riding the emotional roller coaster brought on by Matthew. Praise God, October ended with Gonaives safe and sound, and I crawled my way out of that trial.
It wasn't long before November showed up with a time of physical challenges. With high fevers and overwhelming exhaustion I was out of school off and on for nearly a month, presumably thanks to mono. Though sickness is never fun or easy, I was forced to face my living situation head on, and I think I came out of that time better accustomed to living alone.
And now it is December, the most wonderful time of the year. I'm healthy, mentally and physically. I am not only accustomed to living alone, I'm actually growing to love it. Having my own space and being able to spend quiet time with God has become a sacred, treasured thing to me. I have learned that being alone can actually be pretty wonderful when seen in the right perspective. And perhaps most importantly, I have learned that I can survive here independently. This doesn't sound like much but it is truly invaluable, and reassuring knowledge as I settle in here for the time to come.
Battle weary. From fighting for myself, for what I know to be good, for the people and place I love. It can be exhausting. But it can also be rewarding beyond words, because growth does not come without trial and faith does not strengthen without being tested. I am stronger after this fall. My ability to trust in my God to guide, protect, and grow me is greater than ever before. I know with certainty that it won't be long before I see the fruits that will come from this season of growth, this time when I was tested, challenged, and forced out of my comfort zone. That is when the greatest things occur after all, when we are least comfortable. And I count myself blessed even among the trials to be standing firm in this place, fighting for the Kingdom with some incredible warriors by my side, welcoming what ever is coming next.
