Finding peace when nothing makes sense
Looking back on my past two and a half years in Haiti, I have weathered a variety of "seasons." I have seen seasons marked by joy, fulfillment, and beauty. Times when children are healed in miraculous, inexplicable ways. Times when I seem to notice God's presence in little things surrounding me every single day. Times when it's easy to feel at peace walking down my neighborhood streets and talking to each neighbor as I pass, or riding a moto into the sunset on my way home from the market. In these seasons, I notice God's beauty, His presence in every little thing, and very easily count it all joy.
I have also weathered seasons of storms and self doubt. Times when parents neglect their hurting children, when I have to make hard decisions that shouldn't be mine to make. Times when I find God asking me to put in more work on myself than on fixing problems I see around me. Times when God seems to bring all my weaknesses to light and asks me to do the hard work of seeking His healing in my own brokenness. In these seasons it is harder to see God's faithfulness, harder to find the joy. But I have learned that even the these times, even the hardest, most challenging situations, they lead us closer to God's greatness, and that His faithfulness endures in all seasons.
Good or bad, dealing with joy or sorrow, and even in the midst of my own brokenness or the hard decisions, God can be found guiding my steps, calling me into deeper waters and leading me to greater joy and healing. However, this season I am currently in is a new one for me; it is a season I cannot make sense of. For the first time, I cannot see the bigger picture here. In this season of life, I am seeing children die. I am seeing the loss of life in children who never had a chance to experience the joyful seasons. And I am unable to understand why God chooses to heal some children on earth, and He brings others home so young. I cannot comprehend where the justice is; and knowing that in its own way this offers healing too - why can't they all be healed and stay here with us a little while longer? I don't understand why God brings people into our lives just to take them away from us. Why some close friends play an invaluable role in our story, and then are called to other places. I cannot understand why time and again I am having to say goodbye to people I feel closest to. In all aspects of my season of life, I just cannot seem to understand it, to see the greater picture.
I have been wrestling through this season of not knowing and not understanding - of seeing and experiencing what I simply cannot explain. I have worshipped and read and tried my best to see God's wisdom in these situations, to understand His greater plan. And the conclusion I have come to is that I am not meant to know. It sounds so simple, but believe me, it has been a hard thing to make peace with. The way I have come to see it, I am just a character in this story. From my perspective, I am not supposed to see the greater picture. I am not supposed to know how other characters interact or play their role, and I am certainly not meant to know the ending. My job, is to play my role well, to the best of my ability, and to continue to trust the author. For it is the author who knows the ending, and how each page of each chapter fits together. It is the author who will beautifully orchestrate all the pieces of this story together for good, because He sees the greater picture and He knows the larger story being told.
My author, my God, is telling me that faith that is only expressed when we understand our circumstances is not faith at all. But that true faith thrives in times of chaos and confusion, as long as we remain focused and trusting - as long as we can find peace with not knowing. My character in this story brings light, speaks truth, and provides healing when given the chance to. My character trusts the author to write the story for me, to orchestrate my steps when I do not know which direction to walk, and to lead me continually back to joy. Because even in the midst of seasons of unknown hurts and challenges, and even in the midst of misunderstanding, God continues to call me deeper into the unknown waters. And I find my peace and my rest in the knowledge that the author of this story is a God who is always sovereign, who remains faithful, and who never breaks His promises. And that our ever sovereign Lord is leading me again into greater seasons of joy, joy that I cannot even imagine, as the story continues.
I have also weathered seasons of storms and self doubt. Times when parents neglect their hurting children, when I have to make hard decisions that shouldn't be mine to make. Times when I find God asking me to put in more work on myself than on fixing problems I see around me. Times when God seems to bring all my weaknesses to light and asks me to do the hard work of seeking His healing in my own brokenness. In these seasons it is harder to see God's faithfulness, harder to find the joy. But I have learned that even the these times, even the hardest, most challenging situations, they lead us closer to God's greatness, and that His faithfulness endures in all seasons.
Good or bad, dealing with joy or sorrow, and even in the midst of my own brokenness or the hard decisions, God can be found guiding my steps, calling me into deeper waters and leading me to greater joy and healing. However, this season I am currently in is a new one for me; it is a season I cannot make sense of. For the first time, I cannot see the bigger picture here. In this season of life, I am seeing children die. I am seeing the loss of life in children who never had a chance to experience the joyful seasons. And I am unable to understand why God chooses to heal some children on earth, and He brings others home so young. I cannot comprehend where the justice is; and knowing that in its own way this offers healing too - why can't they all be healed and stay here with us a little while longer? I don't understand why God brings people into our lives just to take them away from us. Why some close friends play an invaluable role in our story, and then are called to other places. I cannot understand why time and again I am having to say goodbye to people I feel closest to. In all aspects of my season of life, I just cannot seem to understand it, to see the greater picture.
I have been wrestling through this season of not knowing and not understanding - of seeing and experiencing what I simply cannot explain. I have worshipped and read and tried my best to see God's wisdom in these situations, to understand His greater plan. And the conclusion I have come to is that I am not meant to know. It sounds so simple, but believe me, it has been a hard thing to make peace with. The way I have come to see it, I am just a character in this story. From my perspective, I am not supposed to see the greater picture. I am not supposed to know how other characters interact or play their role, and I am certainly not meant to know the ending. My job, is to play my role well, to the best of my ability, and to continue to trust the author. For it is the author who knows the ending, and how each page of each chapter fits together. It is the author who will beautifully orchestrate all the pieces of this story together for good, because He sees the greater picture and He knows the larger story being told.
My author, my God, is telling me that faith that is only expressed when we understand our circumstances is not faith at all. But that true faith thrives in times of chaos and confusion, as long as we remain focused and trusting - as long as we can find peace with not knowing. My character in this story brings light, speaks truth, and provides healing when given the chance to. My character trusts the author to write the story for me, to orchestrate my steps when I do not know which direction to walk, and to lead me continually back to joy. Because even in the midst of seasons of unknown hurts and challenges, and even in the midst of misunderstanding, God continues to call me deeper into the unknown waters. And I find my peace and my rest in the knowledge that the author of this story is a God who is always sovereign, who remains faithful, and who never breaks His promises. And that our ever sovereign Lord is leading me again into greater seasons of joy, joy that I cannot even imagine, as the story continues.
John 1: 4-5 In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And this light shines in the darkness, and the darkness cannot comprehend it.
