Dependency in Missions
You do not need to be needed.
These are the words God is speaking to me lately, “you do not need to be needed.” I don’t know if any of you follow the enneagram, but I’m a hard 2, as 2 as it gets, I get my purpose from helping others and those words are kind of my biggest fear. And yet here God is, removing my crutches and rebuilding my identity with His truth. I know when it’s God teaching me something because it always feels like common sense, and I feel kind of foolish for ever thinking differently.
As a humanitarian worker in Haiti the past 4 years I have found myself speaking of the need to create sustainability and work against dependency more times than I can count. The goal is to work myself out of a job, to empower and equip the Haitians in my community to provide their own care and access their own resources without my presence. We want to see Haiti stand independent of foreign missionaries or aid - I think we can all agree with this dream. But while being so focused on this unifying goal, I think many of us have lost sight of where our own dependency and identity lies.
Unaware of this, I have viewed my work as one-sided instead of a relationship where both participants give and take, and both are at risk of developing an unhealthy dependency on the other. In focusing all my efforts on empowering Haitians to be independent I have lost myself, and my identity has come to depend on those I’m working for.
The Wikipedia definition of codependency is “a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.”
Another article I read recently stated this: “the ego of the humanitarian is dependent on the need of the local.” Woosh, are we seeing the connection? Common sense, right? If only it hadn’t taken me 4 years to see this quite obvious truth. When my entire identity, purpose, sense of self is dependent on my work and others needing my help, how can I keep empowering Haitians to be independent? If my identity relies on being useful and needed, how can I teach Haitians to not need me? When we believe we are the ones who have to save people, we have left no room for God. I have allowed both myself and those I’m serving to get lost in a toxic relationship, one that can only serve one of us at a time.
We have all, I assume, heard this term “white savior.” The idea that those of us privileged to live in a country with wealth, resources, and access, act as if we have the RIGHT to impose our help on those that have inherently less - oftentimes in ways that do far more harm than good. I have seen this type of behavior and I have seen the consequences of it on individuals, families, and communities. But no one wanting to help aims to do harm, clearly. And even those of us who are paying attention, seeing how we have gotten this wrong, and doing our very best to do better, have to admit we have gotten it wrong. And I believe this happens because so many of us doing the hard work are the helpers; we are the enneagram 2’s that lose ourselves by giving all we are to care for others. We need to be needed because that is who we are, and our entire identity depends on it. But if we are truly working for sustainability and independence, and we want Haiti or anywhere to thrive without aid, then where does that leave us? Who are the helpers when their help is no longer needed?
I wrestled with these dreaded questions when I stepped temporarily out of Haiti and realized that, away from the constant calls for help that served as my crutch and coping mechanism, I had a much foggier view of who I was. God has done some major work in me the past few months declaring the truth that I am a daughter of the King no matter where I live or what work I am doing. That I am his child - beloved, valued, and worthy - even if I’m doing nothing at all to serve others. God loves me and pursues my heart as much as anyone I am working for. This realization changes everything. I say but God, I need to help others, and they need me to help. And He lovingly replies, “Daughter, that’s how we got here in the first place. You do not need to be needed, being valued is enough.”
I think this lesson applies to all of us who love and serve others, so hopefully, all of us. Being needed leads to burnout. It leads to codependency and toxic relationships. It leads to a lost sense of self when that thing we think we need suddenly disappears. It creates a white savior mentality and teaches us the lie that our work determines our worth. Instead, I am learning now that who I am is enough, and I am beloved and valued regardless of what I am doing. When God calls me back to Haiti, I can return to the work I love because I want to, because I have Kingdom born joy when I’m using my gifts to serve others, and because I know all I need to be worthy is Him.
