Finding God in the Grey Area
At times it's easy to see this lifestyle as wildly exciting; hopping planes and jetsetting between two homes in two very different countries. But today it feels heavy; sitting on this plane it feels more like choosing to rip out a huge part of my heart and put it on the back burner in order to pursue the other half of my heart.
It's an incredibly beautiful and humbling thing to be able to make sacrifices to pursue God's call on my life. But today it does not look or feel so beautiful; today it's just hard. It looks like very tearful goodbyes, as the family that has taken me in and loved me well this summer hugs me, prays over me, and the little ones gift me with cards and legos and wave goodbye from the porch. It looks like
belting out one last car ride rendition of the karaoke routine I've practiced with my best friend all summer (Total Eclipse of the Heart, in case you were wondering.) It looks like reading loving cards from friends at the airport gate while crying over Chick-fil-A, and long nights on airport floors. It's feeling the weight of it all physically pushing against me as I get out of the car and walk away into the airport. It's ugly stuff, letting yourself feel the emotions that come during transition.
But God has promised to work even these ugly, hard parts together for my good. He has promised to go before me, and this is clear in the transition phase, too. When I'm nervous that I cannot afford to live in Haiti without an income next year, and God provides almost double what I have asked for, I know He is preparing my way. When I start to feel the weight of loneliness, and my friends throw me a party to celebrate every holiday I will miss during the next year, I know God wants to love me through the wonderful ones around me. When my suitcases are too heavy the day before my flight and I need the extra 40lbs that a first class ticket offers me, and within two hours the price of that upgrade drops from $680 to $40, I know God has gone before me, and wants to bless me even in the details.
My life, as it is now, is not black and white. As a dear friend told me this summer I have mastered "living in the grey area." Right now, I am neither here nor there. I am sitting on a plane and feeling a mixed bag of emotions. I am feeling the weight of saying goodbye to friends who have reminded me of who I am, and sweet people who have taken me in and shared their home with me. And I am also feeling excitement and readiness for what lies ahead. Because this is the hard part, but there is immeasurable good that lies ahead. Today may feel impossible, as I fight against my body's desire to remain in the comfort, peace and rest I have found this summer. But tomorrow I will step back onto Haitian soil, and I will again be home - rested, refreshed, and ready to walk into whatever God has prepared ahead of me for this year.
It's an incredibly beautiful and humbling thing to be able to make sacrifices to pursue God's call on my life. But today it does not look or feel so beautiful; today it's just hard. It looks like very tearful goodbyes, as the family that has taken me in and loved me well this summer hugs me, prays over me, and the little ones gift me with cards and legos and wave goodbye from the porch. It looks like belting out one last car ride rendition of the karaoke routine I've practiced with my best friend all summer (Total Eclipse of the Heart, in case you were wondering.) It looks like reading loving cards from friends at the airport gate while crying over Chick-fil-A, and long nights on airport floors. It's feeling the weight of it all physically pushing against me as I get out of the car and walk away into the airport. It's ugly stuff, letting yourself feel the emotions that come during transition.
But God has promised to work even these ugly, hard parts together for my good. He has promised to go before me, and this is clear in the transition phase, too. When I'm nervous that I cannot afford to live in Haiti without an income next year, and God provides almost double what I have asked for, I know He is preparing my way. When I start to feel the weight of loneliness, and my friends throw me a party to celebrate every holiday I will miss during the next year, I know God wants to love me through the wonderful ones around me. When my suitcases are too heavy the day before my flight and I need the extra 40lbs that a first class ticket offers me, and within two hours the price of that upgrade drops from $680 to $40, I know God has gone before me, and wants to bless me even in the details.
My life, as it is now, is not black and white. As a dear friend told me this summer I have mastered "living in the grey area." Right now, I am neither here nor there. I am sitting on a plane and feeling a mixed bag of emotions. I am feeling the weight of saying goodbye to friends who have reminded me of who I am, and sweet people who have taken me in and shared their home with me. And I am also feeling excitement and readiness for what lies ahead. Because this is the hard part, but there is immeasurable good that lies ahead. Today may feel impossible, as I fight against my body's desire to remain in the comfort, peace and rest I have found this summer. But tomorrow I will step back onto Haitian soil, and I will again be home - rested, refreshed, and ready to walk into whatever God has prepared ahead of me for this year.
"I have heard you calling my name, I have heard the song of love that you sing. So I will let you show me out beyond the shore - into your Grace."
