It's All Part of the Process
I have been in Haiti one week now, and it’s been hard. It has been really, really hard. That’s why I haven’t written anything sooner, it took the entire week for me to be able to process all that I have learned and experienced already. Prior to coming to Haiti, I realize now, I had been in denial of how difficult it may be during the adjustment phase, essentially lying to myself that it would come naturally and I would just effortlessly fit into the culture and community here. I actually had convinced myself that the hardest part would just be getting here, and I was so very wrong.
As soon as I arrived at my new home I was forced to process everything that came along with my decision to move to Haiti, and the way it was changing literally every aspect of my life. I had to cope with being an outsider, both as the minority in Gonaives and the new member of a very close, well established community. I had to learn how to get by without having the people I love and treasure most here with me, and the deep sense of loneliness that came with that. I had to adjust to having the Creole word for “white” yelled in my face when I stepped outside, and having a far more challenging daily routine, without any of the comforts I had been accustomed to. And I think the worst part of it all was that I was forced to admit to myself - I really liked those comforts.
After praying and processing why this week has been so challenging, with the help of many wonderful friends, I realized that part of the reason this adjustment has been so hard is that somewhere in my past the society I lived in told me I deserved the comforts I found in my everyday life, and I believed that. I believed that I deserved air conditioning, American-style food, washing machines, etc., and I was comfortable with those luxuries. I told myself it wouldn’t be hard to live without them, but I was wrong. After really thinking about how much I have grown to depend on the things that make life in the US so comparatively easy, I was hit hard with the realization that I am not deserving of any of these things, not a single luxury that I am accustomed to, and yet my God continues to provide me with EVERYTHING I need.
I have been broken down this week. I have wanted to quit and questioned what my purpose is in Haiti. I have been thrown into waters so far from shore that I find it hard just to stay afloat every single day. But I can feel the ways that God is using this phase to refine and strengthen the broken parts of me, and that brings such a deep sense of joy and comfort in itself. It took me a week to realize what should have been obvious; this move is not about me. I did not move here to be comfortable, I moved here to radically love the children and people of Jubilee. And I have so much to look forward to now that I have shaken the false notion that my own comfort should be a priority.
*I know this post is probably far from what people were expecting to hear, but this is the raw, true description of where I have been this week. The initial hardships I felt coming to Haiti have gotten so much better each day here, so my next posts will outline what my life has looked like in Haiti so far and all the ways I have already been blessed here, I just needed to write out the more difficult parts of the process first.
